Funny Poems

CRAZY WASHING MACHINE

silence — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 20:25:16 +0000

The washing machine

Splashing! Crashing!

Against the global

Glass door

I look through the window

To see the little earth

Tumbling to and fro

The washing machine

Polluted and free

Splish! Splash! Crashing!

Against the globe

Rather like the earth tilting

Shaking!

Earth-quaking

Wiz wazz splash!

I see all the colors

Going around

I see the clothes

Like people

Tossed around like dolls

In the hands

Of a careless child

This is all very wild

Soapy splash crash!

Global warming

Red light flashing

Washing machine warning:

She is about to explode!

With clothes overload!

Warning! Warning!

Red flash booming

Rather like lost souls

Not knowing their Life-Savior

All you clothes

Get out of the water!!

I look through the global window

Suddenly

I see myself on the other side

Drowning with the clothes

Going through

The rinse cycle

Going for a spin now

(Unfortunately

Not in my new sports car!)

Splish! Splash! Crash!

Help me someone!

Help me please!

Splish wiz!

Around I go!

Now on Spin!!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Final - program

I'm done now

As I tumble out

Grabbing the breath of life

Blowing a trumpet

To my Life's Savior

Kissing the ground

Through the flooded floor

Thank You Lord!

©Graeme James 2015

THE STEAM TRAIN

silence — Sun, 20 Sep 2015 23:13:18 +0000

Track 1 - THE STEAM TRAIN

Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch

Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh

Cla cla cla cla cla cla cla cla

Ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa

Choo woo!

All aboard!

Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch

Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh

Char char char char char char

Cla cla cla cla cla cla cla cla cla

Ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra

Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa

Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch

Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh

Choo woo!

Track 2 - SILENCE

Silence (part 1)

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Sssssssssssssssssssssss

Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence (part 2)

(silence for 10 seconds)

Thank You!

©Graeme James 2015

KFC Made Me Obese

Randy Johnson — Thu, 13 Aug 2015 22:38:00 +0000

I became obese when I ate at KFC seven days a week.
I can no longer see my genitalia when I take a leak.
Week after week, the size of my belly grew.
I became angry at KFC and I decided to sue.
That fried chicken clogged my arteries and gave me two heart attacks.
Or maybe it was because I went to McDonalds and ate forty Big Macs.
When I walked into the courthouse, each step I took made the building shake.
Everybody started running because they thought it was coming an earthquake.
The judge ruled that KFC wasn't to blame for me being obese.
I counted on becoming rich but my bank account didn't increase.
If you eat a lot of Kentucky Fried Chicken, you'd better halt.
If you become 400 pounds like me, it will be your own fault

Behind The Poem:

This is a fictional poem.

If You Don't Pay, You Don't Stay

Randy Johnson — Sat, 08 Aug 2015 01:29:01 +0000

You haven't paid your rent even though it's over due.
I'm going to get a new tenant after I get rid of you.
You sneak out the back every day to avoid me.
You're an asswipe who has really annoyed me.
You agreed to pay me $300.00 each month when I agreed to let you stay.
Get the hell out of this house, you're not welcome because you won't pay!
I let you rent my house cheap because I'm a nice guy.
Pay me or leave, if I get mad enough, you may die.
You haven't paid even though you've been here for twelve weeks.
I'm pissed and I'm about to put my foot between your butt cheeks.
When it comes to paying, you won't pay attention.
And you have the nerve to ask for a six week extension.
My blood pressure has gone through the roof and I'm starting to shout.
You're the worst tenant who ever lived, pay me or get the hell out!

Behind The Poem:

This is a fictional poem but reality for some people.

Positive Feedback Only

I'm Barney Fife

Randy Johnson — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 14:49:48 +0000

I'm Barney Fife and I accidentally blew off my foot.
Andy took my gun and put it somewhere and you don't want to know where it was put.
Andy put it there because he was really pissed.
To get my gun back, I had to go to a Proctologist.
Thelma Lou was my girl and I should've married her while I had the chance.
She's married to another man and now I'll never be able to get into her pants.
Andy fired me yesterday because I beat up the town drunk.
Otis puked on my clean uniform and I beat him like a punk.
Just last week, Andy and I were stopping people from making moonshine.
Now I have an artificial foot and I'm standing in the unemployment line.

Behind The Poem:

This poem is based on The Andy Griffith Show.

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To The Moon

Randy Johnson — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 21:41:23 +0000

My Cousin scared the hell out of me when he bought a space shuttle.
When he blasted off, I wet my pants and was standing in my pee puddle.
A con man sold him some property on the Moon.
He wanted to live there and become a pioneer like Daniel Boone.
I tried my best to talk him out of going there but he was determined to leave.
But he forgot that the Moon has no oxygen and he was not able to breathe.
When he landed his space shuttle, he regretted his trip and he regretted it soon.
Less than five minutes later, my Cousin became the first corpse on the Moon.

Behind The Poem:

This is a fictional poem.

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Burning

Randy Johnson — Tue, 21 Jul 2015 22:10:21 +0000

Something happened when I lit a cigarette in an oxygen tent.
I'll tell you what happened instead of just giving you a hint.
That oxygen tent went up in flames and I got burned all over.
I learned that it doesn't bring good luck to have a four leaf clover.
I've got burns all over my body, even my privates were burned.
Oxygen and lit cigarettes don't mix, that's something I learned.

Behind The Poem:

This is a fictional poem.

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Power Lines Don't Make Good Clothes Lines

Randy Johnson — Wed, 15 Jul 2015 14:35:50 +0000

Some people say she was crazy, they think that she was out of her mind.
She paid the price when she decided to use a power line for a clothes line.
She thought that the electric current would dry the clothes faster.
She didn't know that she was heading for disaster.
She was too cheap to make a clothes line or to buy a new clothes dryer.
She wouldn't have done what she did if she had known it would fry her.
She fell off the ladder when she was shocked by the electricity.
She thought she was being smart but ended up being extra crispy

Behind The Poem:

This is a fictional poem.

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Dog Gone Crazy (I Think) Trijan form

Kriskaia — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 00:43:04 +0000

I don't know what is wrong with me

I've been so afraid

I live my life, the way I see

My species not betrayed

Chasing cars and chasing mailmen

Even the occasional salesman

Chasing cars and

People, the way of life for me

I don't know what is wrong with me

Noticing my gates part

Now looking left and right I see

What jump started my heart

Twenty-four mean eyes did appear

Playing to my senses, they sneered

Twenty-four mean

Made me manic enough to flee

I don't know what is wrong with me

I think at last I'm safe

Higher up,in this big tall tree

My own actions now chafe

As I sit on this would be log

Oh disbelief, I'm a huge dog

My own actions

With twelve felines circling me

Any Feedback Welcomed

Dutch Treat

Randy Johnson — Thu, 25 Jun 2015 15:52:39 +0000

You want equality so our dates are going to be Dutch Treat.
When we go to restaurants, you will pay for what you eat.
When we go to the movie theater, you will pay for your popcorn and movie ticket.
If you don't like having to spend your own cash, tough, you know where you can stick it.
Don't expect me to pull out chairs and open doors for you.
You want equality so those are things that you will have to do.
You don't want to have to pay your own way so you're starting to shout.
Now you're holding your breath like a child and you just passed out.
You've finally regained consciousness after behaving like a four year old would act.
You won't convince me to foot the entire bill and you'd better believe that's a fact.
When we go on dates, it will be 50/50, the person who pays your way won't be me.
You're angry even though you're getting what you want, you're getting equality.

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MIME

Randy Johnson — Sat, 20 Jun 2015 17:32:39 +0000

A thug was set free even though he committed a crime.
The reason why he was set free was because I'm a Mime.
I was on the witness stand but because I'm a Mime, I wouuldn't talk.
I take my job way too seriously and that was why that criminal walked.
Because I wouldn't testify, everybody in the courtroom started to yell.
The judge was so mad that he found me in contempt and put me in jail.
People are still angry because I wouldn't give my testimony.
My wife divorced me and now I have to pay her alimony.
If I hadn't taken my job so seriously, that criminal would be rotting in prison.
I'm going to get a new career because that's something that needs to be done.

Behind The Poem:

This is a fictional poem.

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That Crook Stole My Stolen Money

Randy Johnson — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 15:34:22 +0000

People are laughing but I don't think it's funny.
A dirty rotten crook stole my stolen money.
I was very happy because I successfully pulled a bank job.
But then that man pulled his gun on me and I was robbed.
I can't believe that it happened, it has been a terrible ordeal.
That crook stole the money that I worked so hard to steal.
This experience has left me bitter and appalled.
That thief didn't leave me anything, he took it all.
The cops caught up to me and I told them that the money was taken by that thief.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this would happen, it is beyond belief.
I failed to become a millionaire because of the money that he took.
I'm going to turn honest when I get out of jail, it doesn't pay to be a crook.

Behind The Poem:

This poem is actually based on a true story that my dad told me about.

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Etiquette

EagleHawk4ever — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 04:56:55 +0000

A Redneck tried to be classy without very much success
To see if he could sophisticate without causing a mess
He takes a bath, puts on clean clothes and shines his pickup truck
Then takes a stroll to the country club to try to find his luck
He walks right in and people stare as he begins to flirt
They wonder why his coat and tie are on a flannel shirt
They notice that his manners are charming and refined
They take him in as awkward but pay him no nevermind
He sits down in a restaurant and then thinks ‘What the Heck?’
Taking up a cloth napkin, he ties it around his neck
He stares down upon his silverware like a monkey in a loop
Looking at a fingerbowl which he thinks that it’s for soup
He asks the waiter for a menu and looks at it with a crench
He don’t understand a word of it because the dishes are in French
Picking out something he thinks is good without trying to be rude
But when it comes out on the plate, there is hardly any food
He's given a glass of wine and doesn't let it go to waste
He gulps it down immediately instead of savoring the taste
“You Can’t Do That!” The people cried “You Poor Disgusting Welch!”
“I can’t do what?” He said confused and sealed it with a belch
Of course he says “Excuse me” but they’ve had enough thus far
He leaves there shortly after, looking for a rowdy bar

Behind The Poem:

I've been working on this for literally a year. Haven't wrote a comedy in a while so came up with an idea of a redneck being "high class" Regular country-mouse-in-the-city.

Any Feedback Welcomed

Jar Jar Binks

Randy Johnson — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 21:18:48 +0000

I'm a Gungan from the planet Naboo and my name is Jar Jar Binks.
Senator Padme put me in charge once even though I don't even have the ability to think.
George Lucas brought me to life with a computer, I'm a product of CGI.
Because many Star Wars fans find me irritating, they want me to die.
Many people hate everything about me, they hate my voice, my six foot tongue and my orange skin.
Now that the prequels are over, those people are thankful that they'll never have to see me again.

Behind The Poem:

This poem is based on the Star Wars Prequels.

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"Mistake"

wopthedo — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 11:52:59 +0000

« Mistake »

I hadn't known her long

We met near the station

We were followed by jackdaws

Birds of ill omen

On a grassy knoll

I pulled down her drawers

And after a pause

She became pregnant

Then we got married

Then I had inlaws

When I told my friends

There were guffaws

I said this wasn't funny

I had just cause

To sue for divorce

My life, alas, was full of flaws