To My Biological Mother

Why wasn’t I my mother’s heart?

Why couldn’t I be her baby?

Why isn’t she destroying anyone who would try to harm me?

I wonder if I’m the main source of her pain

Knowing she wasn’t there to clean my shirt of its juice stain

I used to wake up, ask my foster father, where is she?

Where is my mother? Where is my mommy?

I keep having this dream, she is pushing me on a swing

I keep screaming, why the fuck did you leave me

I make her cry, but why the fuck is she crying?

Mommy said she loved me

Now I know she was lying

I wish I could have said, no you fucked my daddy

And you were there when the doctor slapped my behind

That means you’re my mommy, that means you’re mine

If I was a little older I would have piled blocks in front of the door

To try to block it

My little finger would have raised if she said, No megan stop it

And if I was even older, I would have locked it

I’d block the door and ask my mother why are you leaving for?

First you gotta tell this stupid couple there’s the door

But no, you gave me up to them, now its just me in the mirror

And the little girl in front of me begins to blur

Cause I know deep down I’m a spitting image of her

Of my mother,  the woman my foster mom said was crazy

That’s why she gave me up, but I wouldn’t have given a fuck

As long as I could have been her baby

 My boyfriend pulls down his pants

And asks me if I can beat

And I beat even though the tears fall to my feet

You wanna know why? Why I do whatever he wants me to do?

Because he loves me, that’s more than I can say for you

I take out a blunt, I smoke it, the voices in my head are so loud

And I barely recognize what I’m seeing

After I get high as fuck, I go to the bathroom, take out the blade

A second later, my wrists are bleeding

Early memories of you? Yeah, those motherfuckers fade

You LIED to me, mom, you said you loved me

You whispered in my ear, I’ll always be your baby

That’s all I wanted, I just wanted to be your baby

But now I get the fucking point, you never loved me

Ever since you made your choice

The only thing that stops me from killing myself

Is the sound of your voice

When did you decide that you loved the pill more than me?

I hope you can never go to sleep, even with a sleeping pill

If you can never go to sleep, you’ll know how I feel

I’ve stopped asking God, why did this have to happen to me

Why me? Why am I the girl stuck without a mother to rock her slowly?

I wish I could buy a gun and cock it

Put it to my brain and scream, I hate you, and pop it

My dreams darken, an image of you flashes, I crawl towards it,

But then it burns to ashes